So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
