The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
