i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
