The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
