he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize