either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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