Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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