Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
