I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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