totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
