You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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