the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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