Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
