I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
why is half of my head shaved?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
