Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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