If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
