Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
