i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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