I need to stop coming to work sober
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
