Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
