We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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