I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
