omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
