As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
