2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
