On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
