I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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