And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
