Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
