Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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