U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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