We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
