i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
