i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
