Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
home. puking in laundry basket.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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