I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
