Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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