I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
