I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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