He kissed a someone with a penis
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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