Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
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I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that