I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
