...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
