i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
