Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
