i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
