trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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