There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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