If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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