in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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