I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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