No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
